I loved Laguna Beach, The Hills and The City. I even watched Audrina's self-titled spinoff and still associate The Grove with when Heidi and LC were the best of friends. None of this would exist without Kristin, since the triangle between she, Lauren Conrad and Stephen is essentially what got Laguna Beach on the air. Then, once LC was done with reality TV, The Hills brought Kristin back to mix things up. She was billed as a bitch with a potential cocaine problem, but never really did anything that bitchy and if you haven't been rumored to be on drugs I don't think they let you on a reality show.
When I heard that someone (now extremely) tangentially related to the group of girls who defined what living in LA in your 20s should be like was going to be back on TV, I yelped with joy. Forget that Kristin has since married a fellow Commodore, birthed kids and lives in the suburbs while I have two cats in a one bedroom in LA - she will tell me what my 30s are supposed to look like had I stayed in Nashville after my four years at Vanderbilt.
I have very low expectations for the show - yes, she runs the household while her retired (?) husband does...stuff? He likes to keep his days open "in case anything comes up" and watches live deer camera feeds. She runs a business? She is a mother. Life is hard! She is busy! Her employees are incompetent! Her husband is a bumbling doof! HOW DOES SHE DO IT? Frankly, if I were her PR person, I would have billed this is a Vanderpump Rules situation where we follow her young employees who I assume are all hooking up with each other and showing up to work hungover while she is now the older, wiser mother figure. Shockingly, no one asked for my take on her next career move, so Very Cavallarri is what we've got.
The first episode is titled "I'm CEO, Bitch" to get us to take her seriously as a business woman but show she should still be relatable to the younger demographic. She looks fucking fabulous, I have to say, but if she claims she got those arms just from lifting her kids I'll be forced to drown her in my own self-loathing.
Just in the opening "this season on..." montage we hear Kristin say "I'm running a BUSINESS" twice, because that what serious business women do. Meanwhile, we meet Shannon who loves social media because she doesn't have to work hard and Reagan who is the office manager for a store that is not open yet. They talk about dating. They impersonate their parents' southern accents. Kristin has to ask Jay, her husband, not to be rude to them which seems like a bad thing to have to say to your husband before he sees people.
Brittainy [sic] is the store manager who did not grow up in the south thus we get the tension between the twosome and Brittainy [sic]. I love it. I also get major Emily Weiss, the NY intern on The Hills flown in to save LC and Whitney who founded Glossier, vibes from her. Turns out Shannon isn't even good at not working hard as she hasn't posted to Twitter in months and is dropping the pin on Pinterest, so her being afraid of Jay is really all we get from her here.
Kristin meets her friend Kelly for a drink. Who the fuck is Kelly and where she she come from? Was she on tv in high school? Did she grow up in LA? Was she even as extra on Nashville? I need her IMDB credits before believing she and Kristin have been friends for 7 years. Kelly is single so we'll get drama from her too. Of course, Kristin decides RIGHT THEN to connect Kelly with a guy she randomly met months ago at a bar! What are the odds!?!? We are 15 minutes in.
Shannon's boyfriend is named John and he has a cat so immediately I am on his side. He is a musician (we are in Nashville, remember?) and definitely hopes this will be his big break. Shannon drinks wine and swoons as John sings and this is what they tell you your 20s will be like so this show is doing exactly what it's supposed to do and I immediately followed them both on Instagram.
Did no one notice the big hole in Kristin's turtle neck that she needed Jay to help her put on? Put that in the "V relatable" category.
Shannon starts talking about Brittainy [sic] and Brittainy [sic] hears, they discuss it after a photo shoot. It is no fight at 1am at Les Deux. Ladies, you have shoes to fill. Up your game.
Brittainy [sic] is dating a music producer/writer who is obviously working with Shannon's boyfriend. I can draw the casting chart already.
I really appreciate the subtitles on Kristin's conversation in the car because I have never known how to spell "yoozh," as in, the abbreviation of usual. Jay is beginning to take on a Bruce Jenner role, being picky about where people park so he puts out cones, guffawing when Raegan said being a hairdresser is an arm workout and earning the nickname "Les Mis" from Kristin for his sour expression and being constantly inconvenienced by things despite having nothing to do.
More things happen, but really the crux of this show is going to be the southern girls vs Brittainy [sic], their boyfriends' music careers, Kristin exerting control over her employees and recounting everything to Kelly in her bathroom or at a bar with Jay showing up to roll his eyes and lumber on and off screen a few times a segment. I cannot wait.